Star Wars Episode VII Plot Revealed!
Okay, not really. This is all wild speculation on my part, but this is how I think the plot of Episode VII is going to go down, given what I’ve seen in the movie poster, the teaser trailer, the full trailer, and the Japanese trailer. I’ve stayed away from the TV spots because in the past I’ve seen TV spots give away way too much. I’ve also stayed away from any social media that tried to click-bait me by vaguely circling something in an image and drawing an arrow to it, daring me to believe what I completely missed! So I’m going to mix what I HAVE seen with a bit of cynicism about what I FEEL JJ Abrams actually wants to do with Episode VII — which is to fan-boyishly recreate the original Star Wars Episode IV.
Without further ado, I give you…
Star Wars Episode VII
The Force Awakens
Scroll text will roll and leave space, where we’ll see a couple of space ships. One of these space ships will be chasing the other spaceship like the Star Destroyer chasing the Tantive IV. Finn seems to be the substitute for R2-D2, so most likely he will leave with knowledge of the First Order’s secret weapon, will be shot down, and will land on Tatooine, er, Jakku. The First Order will not be pleased with this and will follow him to the surface of the planet. To wish him well on his travels, of course.
Meanwhile, we meet a young Rey who thinks she’s nobody. “I’m no one,” she’ll say, then go outside and watch the sun set over the desert horizon. She appears to make her home among a group of scavengers. Probably some sort of surrogate family, because her true parentage will be concealed from the audience. She’ll pick up BB-8 from somewhere among the scavengers, but he’ll get lost and she’ll have to chase him down in her deodorant-shaped speeder. Really, it’s just Luke’s Landspeeder on its side. Once she finds BB-8, she’ll run into a weird Yoda-esque creature and bring her along, too, because she’ll need cannon fodder later in order to make an exit.
Across the desert, Finn will find the tallest cliff and look out across it at a space port and say, “I don’t think I’ll find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” He needs a way to get off the planet, obviously, since the First Order is trying to hunt him down like a rogue droid carrying important plans and a message in his rusty innards. But on his way to the spaceport, he runs into a group of scavengers. He meets Rey. Finn says something about the resistance against the First Order, and Rey will respond, “You know about the Resistance against the First Order?” And then they’ll need to get out of there, because of the plot.
BB-8 sees the First Order coming, so they hide or something, and Kylo Ren and Phasma’s slightly-different-looking Stormtroopers burn down all the family Rey had ever known. With there being nothing left to hold her there, Rey agrees to go with Finn to the spaceport. Most of the best pilots can be found there, including Han Solo! (Pause here for loud audience applause.) Han will probably run into some bounty hunter from his past from Ord Mantell or something and then the First Order will show up, so they hop aboard the Millennium Falcon (Docking Bay 94 again? Or maybe something more subtle like Docking Bay 1138?) There’ll be some problem with the Falcon, so they won’t be able to go super orbital just yet, so Han will try to lose the First Order’s slightly-different-looking TIE Fighters by weaving in and out of a downed Star Destroyer that the Jawas haven’t had time to loot and pillage yet.
Eventually, BB-8 will fix the problem with the Hyperdrive or whatever and they jump to light speed, and aboard the Falcon, Han Solo — acting the part of the mentor now — will tell Finn and Rey about the Force. And how Luke was once a great Jedi Knight. This may be the only time we see Mark Hammill, in flashback, because he’s now Darth Vader Kylo Ren. But they won’t get to their destination, which will probably be a great weapon that the First Order has that Finn knows about. They’ll somehow end up aboard this Starkiller Station (I hope it’s not because of a tractor beam) and will have to escape to tell the Resistance about it. But not before running into Kylo Ren first, who will most likely kill that weird Yoda-esque creature that may or may not have been a mentor of sorts to Rey on Tatooine, er, Jakku. Due to this great sacrifice, Rey and the other heroes are able to get away.
They’ll arrive back on Yavin so that Han can say, “Chewie, we’re home.” Because the Resistance would have moved back to Yavin, of course. Where else can they have ceremonies? Right? I certainly hope Han doesn’t say that because he and Chewie are back on Kashyyyk for another Holiday Special! Everybody meets Leia, because they have to (pause again for applause) and there will be a briefing room sequence where the plan of attack will be explained (hopefully with better graphics than the ones in Episode IV). This is where Leia and Han will be during the big finale, in the war room, watching the ensuing battle unfold.
So the Starkiller Station will show up and threaten the Resistance with its ability to burn up trees like the dickens, and all their hotshot pilots will hustle to get in slightly-different-looking X-Wings to go up against the station, which happens to have a conveniently similar trench to the Death Star where I’m sure some X-Wings are going to zip in and get blown up — that is, until Finn gets a chance to zip in. But he’ll zip in with Kylo Ren hot on his tail until the Falcon swoops in and shoots him off course, just long enough for Finn to miraculously use the Force to blow up the place.
If Han does take up the mantle of mentor and not that weird looking creature, then perhaps Han will be killed in this battle. Maybe in space aboard the Falcon or maybe back at the base when a slightly-different-looking TIE Fighter enters and shoots the place up. I have a feeling Rey will be the one in the Falcon this time around, which may explain why Han stays behind to get shot up. But if Han and Chewie survive, I’ll bet Chewie gets a medal at THIS ceremony.
The End.
And a Side of Geek, Please! 